The smile on my face was so wide it almost
hurt. Joy coursed through my body like a jolt of pure happiness as the whimper
reached me. I quickly pushed the covers back and tumbled out of the bed. In my
haste, my legs became tangled and I fell to the floor. I fought with the fluffy
foe, my irritation mounting, until I freed myself.
I started to run through the house. The nursery was in sight
when I tripped.
I couldn’t believe my husband had left his shoes in the
middle of the hallway. My knee throbbed, but I wasn’t letting that stop me. I
pushed to my feet, with aide of the wall, and limped toward the nursery.
When I reached the crib, I stood transfixed. The perfect
bundle curled up on her tummy couldn’t possibly be mine. How could such a
wonder have come from me? My fingers lightly touched her head when she started
screaming.
***
I was crying. Lying in the floor of the nursery, with a
teddy bear hugged tightly to my chest. I could hear a faint scream above my
anguish. The crib across the room seemed to mock me. Its emptiness filled the
room.
I crawled across the floor and pulled myself up with the
crib rails. The dried blood on the sheets pierced my eyes. I started screaming.
***
I awoke with screams filling the darkness. I couldn’t be
sure if it was one of the women down the hall, forced to endure something no
woman should have to endure just to get what she needed to end the pain, or if
the screams where from my own mind. It didn’t matter, either way.
I turned over, reached for the teddy bear on the floor
beside me, unzipped him and took the needle out. Soon the screams would be
gone.
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